The Book of Job – Part 3

The Book of Job for People With Short Attention Spans
Part 3

We left off Part 2 with God interrupting the conversation between Job and his friends. His friends were “man-splaining” to Job WHY God was doing this to him.

God interrupted this convo and had begun setting them straight.

And now I bring you the final installment of “The Book of Job for People with Short Attention Spans.”

Part 3:

God addresses Job

God: “Listen up. I’m going to tell you a bunch more about me.”
[God says more stuff about Himself. It’s not bragging ‘cuz, well, He’s God!]
God: “I made the mammoths and dinosaurs, dragons, and even the Loch Ness Monster. And when I call them, they come! Can you do that? I didn’t think so!”
Job: “Wow! I knew you were awesome, but I had no idea HOW awesome.”
God: “Okay, I think you’re getting it. We’re cool now – you still my fav!”
[God and Job fist-bump] (I may have made that part up.)

God addresses Job’s friends

God: “You guys are idiots. Grovel to Job and maybe I won’t kill you. Oh, and bring a bunch of meat for the barbecue. I like mine well done.”

Friends grovel, and bring a bunch of animals to burn up.

Job accepts their apology and prays for them.

Job’s friends and family have a party (they probably smelled the grill) and they all bring him money. (side note: remember the end of “It’s A Wonderful Life” where everyone brings their money to George? They totally stole that from Job!)

God blesses Job’s socks off even more!

Job has more sons and daughters (his daughters were total knockouts!) and being way, way, WAY ahead of his time, Job gives his daughters equal rights to the inheritance. Way to go Job!

Job lives 140 more years! He gets to hang with his great, great, great, grandchildren!

Then, with a smile on his face, Job dies.

The End

The Book of Job – Part 2

The Book of Job for People With Short Attention Spans
Part 2

We left off Part 1 with Job having lost everything, and his friends had come to sit in the dirt and cry with him. Great friends!

As we begin our 2nd installment, Job’s friends decide to open their mouths and offer some advice. (Sigh.) And they were doing so well.

Job’s friends: “Wow! You must have done something really bad for God to treat you this way.”
Job: “Did not”
Friend 1: “Did so”
Job: “Did not”
Friend 2: “Did so”
Job: “Did not”
Friend 3: “Did so”
Job: “Did not”
Friend 1: “Did so”
Job: “Did not”
Friend 2: “Did so”
Job: “Did not”
Friend 3: “Did so”
Job: “Did not”
Friend 1: “Did so”
Job: “Did not”
Friend 2: “Did so”
Job: “Did not”
Friend 3: “Did so”
Job: “Did not

[This goes on for 34 chapters!!!]

After a few more rounds of this helpful conversation, God interrupts. Thank the Lord!

God: “Ahem! Who do you think you people are? Were you there when I created everything? Are you all-powerful like me? All-knowing? You really want to tell ME how things should be???”
Job: “Well, um… nevermind. I’m gonna just sit here and be quiet.”
God: “Good. Now listen up!”

Continued in Part 3

The Book of Job – Part 1

The Book of Job for People With Short Attention Spans
Part I

As I’ve been reading through Job I’ve felt inspired to write a shorter version for those of us with short attention spans. It’s a long book, so I hope this helps.

Here is my first installment:

God: “Look at Job! He does good and hates evil. Love that guy! He’s my fav!”
Satan: “Well that’s just because you’ve blessed his socks off.”
God: “Well, go take away all that. He won’t lose faith. Just don’t actually harm him.”

(Side note: Why doesn’t Satan kill his wife? We’ll get back to her later)

Satan: “Okay, he didn’t quit you, but you didn’t let me do my worst.”
God: “Well, go ahead and do your worst. Just don’t kill him.”

Job’s wife: “You still have faith? Curse God and die!”
(So THAT’s why Satan left his wife there. She’s a real peach!)

Job’s friends: “Let’s go sit in the dirt and cry with Job for a week!”

Click here for Part 2