When I was a freshman at college, I learned that the cool kids on campus were called “Tuppies.” It was a short pejorative for the clique of Tupperware people – plastic, fake, and closed. They would all each lunch together in a certain section of the cafeteria where there were a few long tables all lined up together; we called it the “Tuppie-table”. You could see this section through a window while you waited in line to punch your card. It was almost like they were on display. These people were envied but not truly hated. It’s just that you felt like an outsider when you looked at this group, all eating together, socializing, and appearing to have a lot of fun as they enjoyed each other’s company. These were the “cool kids”. (cue Echosmith here) We wished we were in that sort of “clique.”
A funny thing happened one day. I was in line getting ready to each lunch in the cafeteria with one of my close friends (he lived across the hall from me in the dorm – you’ll see the irony later), and we came up with an idea. I don’t remember if it was his idea or mine, but we were instantly in agreement. Let’s go sit at the “Tuppie-table!” Such audacity had we two freshman outsiders. We didn’t know these people and we were certainly not part of the in-crowd. In fact, I don’t think I had ever been a part of the “in-crowd.”
Well, as fortune would have it, we were eating a bit early and the Tuppie table was completely vacant. We got our trays and drinks and brazenly marched up to the table and claimed the very center, one on each side of the table. We prepared ourselves for the expected glares as the Tuppies arrived. Would they sit at the far end, or find another table altogether? Or would they ask us to move, like the senior saints at church claiming “their pew?” We nervously waited.
We didn’t have to wait long. In a few minutes, one of the Tuppies was heading our way. He was tall, a few years older than us, and looked full of confidence. We braced ourselves, like seals watching the shark size us up. What would this confident college senior do about our audacious intrusion?
Much to our surprise, he casually plopped down next to us and said, “Hey guys, I’m Todd*. I don’t think we’ve met.” We exchanged names and a few pleasantries. Before long, other Tuppies arrived, and began sitting on either side of us, politely introducing themselves. Before long, the table filled up, from the center out, until we were completely engulfed in a close-knit pack of Tuppies!
I don’t remember how much we participated in the conversation that day – after all, we had no shared history with these legends of popularity. But we came away from it with a shocking impression – these people are nice! They were really nice. They were kind, polite, funny, and had interesting things to say. Not once did the subject of the lowly peasants and their evil scheme to crush them come up! We weren’t just tolerated. We were welcomed and included. Amazing.
Over the next 24 hours, my mind tried to process this unexpected development. In the hallways, I would pass by Tuppies and they would smile and nod. A few of them would say my name, checking if they remembered it correctly. Had I gone from an invisible peasant to welcomed peer in one lunch? It couldn’t be that easy!
Subsequent days and weeks proved me wrong. It really was that easy. We continue to sit at their table, nod and smile in the halls, and on occasion hold a conversation together away from the sacred lunch table. Were these people becoming our friends?
Apparently they were. Not more than a couple week later I received word through the grapevine that people were talking our new friend group – we were now labeled as Tuppies! We had been transformed from lowly unpopular freshmen into a couple of the “cool kids” who ruled the institution. We were “in!”
But as we continued to enjoy our new status among the elite, it felt less and less elite. It just felt natural. We had developed friendships with some really great people. These folks didn’t even seem to know they were “the elite!” They were just friendly, positive people who were courteous and careful not to speak negatively about anyone. Instead of being closed and plastic, it turns out they were open and authentic. While they naturally hung out with and socialized within their group, I never saw them deliberately exclude anyone.
Many of them were or became leaders at the school – class presidents, club leaders, outreach group leaders, etc.. It turns out that the positive traits that made them popular also made them great leaders.
Years later I am still friends with many of these folks. I’ve been to their weddings, served in ministry with them, and continue to connect via Facebook. They are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Many have gone on to be senior pastors or even denominational leaders on the local, regional, and national levels. Many are natural born leaders.
That experience has served me well in ministry. As a youth pastor, I would hear kids talk about “cliques” in the youth group or school. I’ve been able to help them through that petty envy (which I was shared) and form positive friendships.
In music ministry, I’ve seen people around me, even “under” me become popular because of their amazing gifts. Instead of becoming envious or even spiteful as the flesh would tempt me, I’ve celebrated their gifts and influence.
So, if you’ve ever felt on the outside, here are a few lessons that might help you break into a similar “clique.”
- Birds of a feather flock together. It turns out that the “popular” people at college were really just positive, optimistic people with great people skills. They tended to gravitate toward like-minded people. As I was welcomed into their group, it caused me to grow as a leader and as a person. It forced me to “up my game” to hang with these great people. If the clique you are envying is like this one, it should be easy to join. If it’s not like this, it’s not worth envying or joining.
- Leaders are usually leaders because of great people skills. They are kind, thoughtful people who truly value others. It turns out we tend to promote people we like. I’ve met and personally known many regional and national leaders in my church movement. The higher I go, the more impressed I am with their character and love for people.
- Showing up is one of the most underrated people skills. Remember my friend that lived across the hall? I’m sure a big part of becoming friends was the fact that we basically lived together. We were there for each other. We got in with the popular crowd by just showing up. In ministry, my influence with people can be strengthened or damaged based on how much I am “there” for people. If you see a crowd you’d like to join, show up! Join their cause. Even better, find ways to serve them and “be there” when they need someone. Those are the times you build camaraderie.
- Envying and tearing down others has never lifted me up. Don’t wast time envying the status of others or wishing you were in the club. It just makes you look petty and small. Either show up or shut up. There are many times in my life I wish I would have just kept my mouth shut instead of uttering some negative comment that revealed my inner pettiness. Negative comments may have gotten a laugh, but they never made me more well-liked.
- Conversely, lifting others up has never brought me down! If someone is more popular than you, find out why? It may just be that they are a kind, thoughtful person who is really pleasant to be around. I’ve found that lifting them up has actually helped my status with others, because it makes me come across as a kinder, more thoughtful person. Instead of envying try emulating. Be the best version of you and learn from the great qualities in others.
These are lessons I’m still learning today. I’m ashamed to admit that I really wasn’t “worthy” of the Tuppies, but they welcomed me anyway. Over the years, I’ve tried to become the sort of man who is as warm, welcoming, and selfless as these folks. I’m still a work in progress.
And if my association with these amazing people earns me some sort of label, so be it.
Count me “in.”
*Honestly I don’t recall which person this was. It could have been Todd, or Brad, or Steve, or one of the other guys. If you were there you know these are their actual names.
Andrew's Thoughts 